What’s Good For Seniors: Bad Marriage? – Senior Planet from AARP

She made all kinds of excuses prior to now for not having intercourse with me. I believe she had an affair in her forties — no proof, however loads of proof. Then when she went by means of menopause, I believe she stopped loving me. There is no such thing as a emotional connection. 

She doesn’t admit to masturbating or lusting for some other man. Nevertheless, years in the past, when our kids had been infants, I got here dwelling from work early and caught her with one other man in our residence. She denied that something occurred. I forgave her however by no means believed her. I discovered a love letter to that man saying she cherished him and never me. 

Once we had intercourse, I hardly ever lasted greater than 10 minutes. She wouldn’t let me carry out oral intercourse and wouldn’t carry out it on me. She lay there throughout intercourse, no enthusiasm. By age 45, I gave up attempting. A couple of yr in the past, I attempted to make like to her, however she advised me to depart her alone. 

As soon as we had such a foul argument that she bought up in my face and I grabbed her across the neck, however I didn’t choke her. She pushed me to the ground. I stubborn her out. 

She says she doesn’t need any man together with me. She claims she give up having intercourse as a result of I by no means lasted lengthy sufficient for her to have an orgasm. She will get mad if I attempt to present her an article about intercourse and even point out it. I purchased her a dildo and a vibrator, however she gained’t use both. She advised me to do away with them. 

How can I get her to ever need me once more? I believe she actually wants some intercourse from me or a stranger. If I’m in charge for being too quick, then I would really like her to search out one other man. Are you able to advise me with out her involvement? 

—No Intercourse in My Marriage

Joan replies:

I really feel unhealthy for all you’ve suffered. You’ve been in a sexless, hostile marriage for nearly 30 years, and even earlier than that, it wasn’t satisfying for both of you. 

She advised you the issue was that you simply didn’t final lengthy sufficient. I assume you’re speaking about throughout intercourse, however did both of you perceive that almost all ladies don’t attain orgasm by means of intercourse alone? Most want clitoral stimulation earlier than, throughout, or as an alternative of intercourse. Her statements about how lengthy you lasted, plus her repugnance for oral intercourse, lead me to wonder if she ever explored or embraced her personal sexuality. Perhaps she didn’t like intercourse, or possibly she didn’t like intercourse with you. Solely she is aware of.

I’m at all times cheerleading for intercourse toys, however you’ll be able to’t simply pick one thing for her and count on her to take pleasure in it. She must be , prepared, and concerned within the choice.

You point out your spouse’s maybe-affair when your kids had been infants. That needed to be at the very least 40 years in the past, and also you’re nonetheless holding onto these unresolved feelings. You “forgave her however by no means believed her.” Harboring deep mistrust with out ever resolving it’s a recipe for marital catastrophe. I want you and she or he had sought counseling at the moment — it might need modified the route of your marriage. Truthfully, I believe it’s too late now.

You ask if I might help your spouse take pleasure in intercourse. No, I can’t. I don’t know what she thinks or feels. I do know, from what you advised me, that you simply’re attempting to recapture one thing in your marriage that by no means existed. You and your spouse by no means had ardour or sexual compatibility. The rift grew into suspicion, resentment, anger, even violence. Communication is hurtful, you’re each indignant, and also you’re holding onto incidents from the previous whereas she has closed down utterly. 

When you knew that you simply’d by no means have intercourse once more together with your spouse, and she or he’d by no means be extra loving than she is in the present day, would you wish to keep together with her? I seemed for causes that you simply keep collectively — if there are any, you don’t point out them.

Please see a therapist, to not get your spouse to have intercourse with you — she has made it plain that she gained’t — however to work on understanding and resolving your individual sophisticated feelings and determining a plan for transferring ahead. Determine with a therapist’s assist whether or not to remain on this marriage. Don’t use your age as an excuse for not making adjustments — it’s by no means too late. I want you one of the best, and I’m sorry that is so painful.

Is it time to depart?

Readers: some indicators that it’s time to exit a foul relationship:

• You retain rehashing the identical points and nothing ever adjustments.
• You’ve been sad collectively for years.
• Your arguments can flip violent.
• You keep collectively out of concern or inertia.
• Intercourse together with your associate is nonexistent and that’s not okay with you.
• You don’t love one another anymore.
• You don’t like one another anymore. 

A Message from Joan:

I obtain many extra questions than I can reply. To assist yours get chosen, know this:

• I choose questions solely from readers age 60+.
• If I already answered an identical query, yours is much less prone to be chosen, so do a seek for your matter first.
• Whenever you submit a query, describe your downside, the way it impacts you, what you’d prefer to know. Your story will likely be edited.
• For medical recommendation, seek the advice of your physician. Change docs when you’re not glad or when you’re handled dismissively.
• I choose questions for publication solely. For a non-public reply, request a session. Most questions on intercourse and getting older are answered in my books and webinars.