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A reader writes:
My spouse and I’ve by no means shared penetrative vaginal intercourse. We’re 66, married 35 years. Our intercourse life has at all times been restricted to kissing, cuddling, and mutual masturbation. She says she desires to have penetrative intercourse with me at some point — simply not but. I can not assist feeling that she is just not being sincere with me.
I met my spouse by means of a lonely-hearts newspaper advert. Inside weeks, we turned sexual, but it surely was at all times mutual masturbation to orgasm, no intercourse or guide vaginal penetration. Eight years later, we married. On our marriage ceremony night time, she stopped me when my penis barely started to penetrate her vagina. Any additional makes an attempt at penetration had been met with resistance.
I felt like a failure. I blamed myself. I used to be confused by the continued rejection and felt nugatory for not being a “correct” husband. What was I doing flawed? I recommended counseling, however she insisted that “issues” would kind themselves out. However they by no means did.
How I want that I had sought assist then. I believed that she needed to kind out issues by herself and that pressuring her can be counterproductive. Additionally, my male satisfaction made me too embarrassed to confess my failure.
Three years into our marriage, my spouse confided to her physician that we had by no means had intercourse. She additionally instructed my mom. Though embarrassing, it was a aid that the issue had been revealed. We had been referred for sexual counseling, however she ended the periods with none decision. When my mom tactfully inquired whether or not we had “resolved” our drawback, I stated sure, to keep away from embarrassment. I want that I hadn’t hidden the reality.
My spouse skilled two manic episodes requiring hospitalization. She was recognized with bipolar dysfunction. She knew it was genetic, and so as to not cross it on to any offspring, she requested me to keep away from being pregnant by not making an attempt to have intercourse. Possibly I ought to have thought of a vasectomy.
Greater than 10 years in the past, my spouse handed by means of menopause. With the opportunity of being pregnant over, I hoped that we would resume making an attempt to have penetrative intercourse. However she at all times objected that it was not the best time or place, or it was too chilly.
Two years in the past, she lastly admitted that after we married, she was scared that penetration would possibly damage (however by no means examined this). She was “too embarrassed” to open up to me or search assist to deal with her concern. Her answer was by no means to have penetrative intercourse with me. I doubt that she thought of how her choice would affect me. I believe there are extra points that she hasn’t confided and appears unwilling to confront. I by no means sought intercourse exterior marriage as a result of I didn’t wish to betray her. We do masturbate one another to orgasm.
I’ve no want to depart my spouse as a result of being along with her makes me joyful. She is my greatest buddy, and regardless of every little thing, I like her dearly. I’ve been a loving and greater than affected person husband, however I can not assist feeling betrayed that my spouse denied us this basic expertise. All I’ve ever needed for us is a standard intercourse life. Is that an excessive amount of to ask?
Joan replies:
Your story is extremely unhappy, and I don’t have a magical reply for you. Your spouse has refused penetrative intercourse, additionally referred to as “PIV” (penis-in-vagina intercourse), all through your 43-year relationship. Although it’s not what you wish to hear, I believe it’s essential settle for that PIV along with your spouse is rarely going to occur. Whether or not it’s concern of ache, or an unstated subject, or just behavior by now, your spouse doesn’t need penetrative intercourse. I believe that she’s proud of the mutual masturbation to orgasm that you just share now, and he or she needs you didn’t need extra.
Nevertheless — and I want you to listen to this — you probably did nothing flawed. This isn’t your fault. You aren’t a failure or an insufficient husband. She by no means needed intercourse — not while you had been first sexual collectively, not early in your marriage, not ever. The unique model of your story that you just despatched me was practically thrice the size that seems right here. In your detailed account, it was clear that you just made no blunders hoping to beat your spouse’s resistance. You revered her autonomy.
This was by no means a difficulty that your spouse would or might resolve on her personal, and also you couldn’t assist her.
Your solely mistake, as I see it (aside from not getting a vasectomy, which most likely wouldn’t have helped anyway), was letting embarrassment forestall you from pursuing assist over the a long time. This was by no means a difficulty that your spouse would or might resolve on her personal, and also you couldn’t assist her. Ongoing skilled assist was wanted. It will nonetheless be useful, to not get her to alter her thoughts — I see that as a misplaced trigger — however that can assist you resolve your emotions.
You say you like your spouse, and he or she makes you content, aside from this. Can you reside with the intercourse life, love, and orgasms you will have now? Are you able to let go of PIV as a objective? I’m not criticizing you for wanting that, please perceive. However should you can’t have it — and every little thing you’ve stated factors to that — are you able to settle for that?
Ship Joan your questions by emailing [email protected]. All info is confidential. Joan can solely reply questions which might be chosen for publication from readers age 60+.
Joan Value has been Senior Planet’s “Intercourse at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the writer of 4 self-help books about senior intercourse, together with her award winners: “Bare at Our Age: Speaking Out Loud about Senior Intercourse” and “Intercourse after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Dropping Your Beloved.” Go to Joan’s web site and weblog for senior intercourse information, views, suggestions, and intercourse toy opinions from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, month-to-month e-newsletter.