Each month in Intercourse at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Value solutions your questions on all the pieces from lack of want to solo intercourse and associate points. Nothing is out of bounds! When you’re over 60, submit your inquiries to this column by emailing Joan straight at [email protected].
Usually, my Intercourse at Our Age column presents one detailed reader query and my detailed reply. In March 2019, I departed from my ordinary format in favor of a “lightning spherical” of some brief questions and solutions: Quickies. These have been fashionable with readers, so let’s do one other spherical.
I Can’t cease!
Q1: I’m 87, he’s 73. I can’t cease fascinated about having intercourse with him. Our intercourse is nice, however I would like extra on a regular basis. I really feel embarrassed about how a lot I need to specific my longing for him. What can I do about my preoccupation—extra self-induced orgasms?
A: Please don’t disgrace your self on your intercourse drive. “Self-induced orgasm,” as you set it (AKA masturbation) is a tremendous answer if you would like extra intercourse than your associate. However have you ever talked about it? He could be delighted to look at or help as you give your self extra orgasms. As a substitute of being embarrassed about your want for intercourse, have fun your capability for sexual pleasure at 87.
Intercourse remedy?
Q2: I’m a 75-year-old man with diabetes and prostate most cancers and no erections. I’ve been a widower eight years. Though I can’t get an erection, I’m going loopy with want and lust. Every so often, I can orgasm with a vibrator and lot of strain. Wouldn’t it assist me to speak with a intercourse therapist?
A: Actually a intercourse therapist might help with any sort of drawback concerning intercourse. Perceive that you may obtain sexual arousal and intense orgasm with out an erection. Most individuals don’t know that orgasms are potential even when the penis can not turn out to be erect or ejaculate. For the sort of strain that works for you, I counsel considered one of these vibrators that work when the penis is flaccid. (Hyperlinks are to opinions on my weblog by Shamus MacDuff, my 75-year-old reviewer of penis vibrators.)
Hates Condoms
Q3: I’ve herpes sort 2, and I take valacyclovir every day. Utilizing a condom turns my associate off, nevertheless it’s the one approach to have protected intercourse with me. He loses his erection at any time when I place a condom on him. I’ve a sinking feeling that he doesn’t look after intercourse, however I actually need that. I don’t know if the thought of intercourse is what he doesn’t like, or the condom, or the concern of the illness. How can I discuss to him about my want for intercourse with out scaring him away?
A: It’s so laborious once we can’t discuss to a associate about our sexual wants and needs, however we have to apply. Solely he can inform you whether or not he’s not involved in intercourse, or anxious that his erection gained’t be reliable, or involved about your herpes. You would possibly present him this column as a dialog starter. I applaud you for insisting on barrier safety. Attempt the “feminine condom,” which is worn vaginally and doesn’t require an erect penis. Please watch my free webinar, “Safer Intercourse for Seniors with Joan Value,” which demystifies safer intercourse and makes it enjoyable — together with put a condom on a gentle penis utilizing your mouth (sure, you learn that proper).
My husband gained’t contact me
This autumn: My husband, 63, hardly ever desires intercourse. I’m going away so much, and he won’t contact me for 2 weeks once I get again. I’ve by no means turned him down. If I make the primary transfer, he pretends he’s asleep. We have now a king-size mattress, and he hangs over his aspect in case I come close to him. What’s flawed with him?
A: Have you ever tried to speak to him? Attempt an opener reminiscent of, “Might we speak about why we’re not having intercourse anymore? I miss our intimacy. I need to perceive your emotions about our relationship.” Keep away from accusing him (e.g. “You by no means need intercourse with me — what’s flawed with you?”), relatively invite him to specific himself. It’s probably, although, that you simply’ll want a intercourse therapist or {couples} counselor that will help you speak about this. The issue could also be one thing deeper in your marriage. If he gained’t go to knowledgeable with you, it is going to nonetheless be useful to go by yourself.
A pores and skin situation?
Q5: My pubic space is itchy on a regular basis. I’ve no lice or fleas. I get up scratching in the midst of the evening and really feel I have to scratch with a scrubbing brush. I went to a clinic as a result of I had a sexual encounter a yr in the past. I assumed which may have been the issue, however the clinic gave me the all clear.
A: Please, no scrubbing brush! It is a medical drawback, and also you want medical assist to get the trigger and therapy. It could be considered one of a number of pores and skin situations; response to an irritant reminiscent of cleaning soap or lubricant; a sexually transmitted an infection that your clinic didn’t take a look at for; or, hardly ever, a symptom of vulvar most cancers. Describe your itching to your gynecologist and demand on operating exams till you get a analysis.
Please remark under for those who’d to see a group of “quickies” once more quickly!
Ship Joan your questions by emailing [email protected]. All data is confidential. Joan can solely reply questions which can be chosen for publication from readers age 60+
Joan Value is the creator of a number of self-help books about senior intercourse together with her latest, “Intercourse after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Shedding Your Beloved,” and the award-winning “Bare at Our Age: Speaking Out Loud about Senior Intercourse.” Go to Joan’s web site and weblog and her Fb web page. For senior intercourse information and suggestions, subscribe to Joan’s free e-newsletter.