I’m a 67-year-old lady. After no intimate relationship in ten years, I met a person, 54, and we’re exploring. I actually like this man! My physique, although, has modified sexually since my long-ago final relationship. I would like extra foreplay and lubricant. The primary time this new man and I had been intimate, I used a subpar water-based lubricant. It dried up, and mixed with the friction of the condom, I felt scraped inside. It was so painful that we needed to cease.
Getting Prepared
We’re holding off for a number of days earlier than attempting once more. Neither of us needs a repeat. Are you able to assist me get “prepared” by answering these questions?
- Are you able to counsel a high-quality lube that may go the space so I don’t need to maintain replenishing? I purchased a widely known drugstore model, however I’m undecided if it’s as much as the job and neither of us needs one other painful expertise.
- I don’t know the right way to use lubricant so it really works greatest. Does he put it on the condom? Is there an applicator I can use to “load up”?
- I instructed him we aren’t going bareback till we trade STD blood take a look at outcomes. What needs to be in an STD take a look at panel? How lengthy does it take to get outcomes?
- It takes me rather a lot longer to prepare and he nonetheless appears centered on the Fundamental Occasion. I’ve a vibrator to stimulate my clit however he wasn’t wild about me utilizing it, and it takes longer than I prefer to get myself prepared. Any recommendations on a extra discreet/small mannequin—and the right way to get my man extra snug with it and never really feel threatened?
Have I discussed I actually like this man? It appears to be extraordinarily mutual!
Model New at 67
Joan responds:
Congratulations on connecting with a brand new lover! I’m glad that can assist you together with your questions.
Lubricant
Keep away from drugstore manufacturers altogether—most have elements that you just don’t need in your vagina. As a substitute, purchase from a specialty intercourse retailer that focuses on sexual well being and pleasure. If you happen to’re utilizing condoms, a high-quality silicone lube like Uberlube is condom appropriate and stays slick with out drying out. If you happen to’re utilizing a silicone vibrator, although, you’ll want a water-based lube, such because the tremendous choices from Depraved Sensual Care or Sliquid, amongst others. By no means use oil-based lubricant with condoms—oil degrades latex.
Overwhelmed? I like to recommend buying pattern packs from Fortunate Bloke so you may experiment and discover your favourite(s). For extra about selecting lubes, see A Senior’s Information to Lubrication.
The best way to use Lubricant
Put a drop of lubricant inside the top of the condom for his pleasure, or stroke his penis with a frivolously lube-coated hand earlier than placing on the condom. To your consolation, apply lube to your fingers and gently rub your vulva and inside your vagina. Even higher, ask him to sensually apply the lubricant to your vulva and vagina as a part of arousal earlier than intercourse—very attractive! Don’t overdo the quantity, however use sufficient that you just really feel slick and cozy.
Safer Intercourse
The best strategy to keep secure: use barrier safety. If neither of you has been with anybody else for 3 months or extra and also you’re committing to a sexually unique relationship, get examined earlier than placing away the condoms. Your individual physician ought to advise you which ones assessments you want and the way lengthy earlier than you’ll get the outcomes.
For my part, although, testing at this level is just too quickly and never as necessary as prioritizing and eroticizing condom use. You’re new to one another. It’s too early to know in case your relationship has endurance and in case you’ll wish to be unique. Proper now you’re scorching together with your mind’s lust chemical substances and new relationship power (NRE, a “situation” so widespread that it has its personal acronym). Take your time, joyfully exploring this relationship sexually and emotionally, whereas making condoms part of your intercourse play.
Study extra in Safer Intercourse for Seniors with Joan Worth, my free, academic, and entertaining webinar.
Vibrators
Most vulva house owners require direct clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm, and we’d like extra depth as we age. If you happen to’re selecting PIV (penis in vagina intercourse) among the many many arousing methods to provide and obtain sexual pleasure, you’re proper to deliver your vibrator to the celebration. For many people, orgasms are solely achievable with the additional clitoral sensation {that a} vibrator offers.
As a substitute of attempting to guard his delicate emotions about vibrators, be direct. “That is how my physique works: I would like the additional stimulation of my vibrator on my clitoris earlier than, throughout, or after intercourse. That’s how my pleasure and orgasm will occur, and I’m certain you need that for me.”
Think about upgrading your vibrator. My favourite vibrator that works throughout PIV with out getting in the best way of two our bodies is the Eroscillator with the marvelous “tender finger” (I name it the “marshmallow”) attachment. Zowie. A smaller, extra discreet, but additionally highly effective clitoral vibrator that matches throughout PIV is the Contact X from We-Vibe.
For extra info on all these subjects and plenty of others, I hope you’ll learn my Final Information to Intercourse after 50. Blissful exploration!
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Joan Worth has been Senior Planet’s “Intercourse at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the creator of 4 self-help books about senior intercourse, together with her award winners: “Bare at Our Age: Speaking Out Loud about Senior Intercourse” and “Intercourse after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Dropping Your Beloved.” Go to Joan’s web site and weblog for senior intercourse information, views, ideas, and intercourse toy evaluations from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, month-to-month e-newsletter.